Janine Malloy found herself extremely disappointed by the insufficient, generic relationship advice she received from several patrons at The Auction House bar last Saturday night. According to cocktail server, Marlene Rogers, Malloy entered the bar alone at approximately 11 PM and spent the next five hours crying into “a never-ending cycle of dirty gin martinis.”
Malloy told the story of her breakup over 30 times that night, but felt like she received no useful, personalized advice whatsoever.
“At one point, someone actually started reading directly from her Pinterest board and actually thought I wouldn’t notice,” Malloy said. “That’s the best she can do for a drunk, crying stranger? I let her drink from my drink.”
“When nothing seemed to be sinking in, I just recited the titles from a playlist I made for myself after my last breakup,” said bar regular, Trish Kellston. “It’s not like we’re friends or anything; I was just being nice.”
When questioned about the clichéd nature of their words of wisdom, Peter Barker noted, “It’s hard to give advice when her story kept altering our loyalties, like the world’s craziest Lifetime movie.”
Peter’s friend, Graham, confirmed it was difficult to know which party was to blame. “First she says he cheated, but then it was that she was with another man, and then it was actually her fiancé who was with the man all along? Or was she the man? Did you catch that?”
“Yeah, you try to listen to that and come up with something better than, ‘when one door closes, another opens.’ Seriously, I dare you,” challenged Barker.
Pat Tucker, the bartender, added, “When she finally took a breath to knock back her drink, all I could say was, ‘Look, Janine. You live, you learn. You’ll find someone else. Better to have loved and lost than not at all.’ Standard bartender lines. She was not impressed.”
“I don’t get what any of those sayings have to do with my ex-fiancé and me. Our relationship was more unique than a fortune cookie, a Top 40 song, or a bumper sticker can remedy,” Mallory sighed. “It’s probably my fault. I always put in more effort than the other person.”
Malloy has since attempted to seek comfort from her neighbor and her mother, who have all resorted to nodding with intermittent interjections of, “You’re so right!” and “How dare he!”