Dad Calling You Because He Somehow Knows You’re High Right Now

Thoughts

Why I Don’t Look Down on People, Even Though Everyone Seems So Small From on Top of My Unicycle

Everyone just looks so pathetic from atop my big beautiful unicycle.

News

Woman Who Once Was Afraid of Being Perceived as Gay Now Offended You Don’t Perceive Her as Gay

“I’m so obviously not into dudes! What would make you even think that??”

Living

How to Stay Cool When Certain Drugs Make You Fall Asleep

Have someone control your arms and legs for you!

Thoughts

I Felt Silly For Mistaking My Tower Fan For A Murderer. Then It Tried To Kill Me.

I now sleep with a gun under my pillow.

Living

QUIZ: Do You Really Like Meat or Do You Just Like Salt and Drama?

Are you just addicted to the sodium and bloodlust?

News

REPORT: Birds Have Too Many Hard Parts

Studies show that birds are kind of fucked up.

Thoughts

I’m a Total Slut for Scented Candles and Also Cum

Sorry, not sorry!

Style

5 Shorts That Let Everyone Know You Denounce the Prophecies of the Groundhog

Only you decide if there are six more weeks of winter.

Style

5 Balloon Jeans That Will Help You Finally Seduce the Old Guy From ‘Up’

Now you can finally seduce that old guy with all the balloons attached to his house.

News

Woman Without Primary Care Physician Has Cat With Allergist

As long as my little Mittens gets the care she needs, I’m fine.

News

REPORT: People Don’t Take Enough Candid and Beautiful Photos of Me

Studies show that people don’t take enough candid and beautiful photos of me.

I Lived it: Thoughts

I LIVED IT: The People on This Dating App Don’t Get That I’m Me

If they grasped this simple and natural fact, the dating game would be a breeze!

Living

How to Reschedule Your Way Into the Next Life

Too many commitments? Deal with them in your next life.

Living

QUIZ: Are We Supposed to Be Just Going to the Dermatologist?

If you went to the dermatologist, what would the reason even be?

Thoughts

I Just Heard A British Person Say ‘Goose Pimples.’ Here’s Why I’m Burning Down Buckingham Palace.

If you’ve ever heard a British person say “goose pimples” you probably understand why I made this decision.

News

Non-Tipping Customer Being Extra Nice Not Fooling Anyone

“I’d actually rather someone be a huge bitch to me and leave a tip.”

Entertainment

Late Period Triggering Less Anxiety Now That Pregnancy Is Cool

“Badgalriri and I would be preggerz at the same time.”

I Lived it: Thoughts

I LIVED IT: I Fell Asleep to a Sufjan Stevens Album and Woke Up Vegan

I had to face the facts. I was plant-based.

Love and Sex

How to Walk Past a Man in a Suit Without Imagining What It Would Be Like to Divorce Him

We know – it’s easy to get caught up and wonder “what if.”

Style

5 Fine Line Tattoos That’ll Make You Think a Hair Got Stuck to You

Check out these designs if you want to startle yourself more often!

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RECENT POSTS

Dad Calling You Because He Somehow Knows You’re High Right Now

Why I Don’t Look Down on People, Even Though Everyone Seems So Small From on Top of My Unicycle

Woman Who Once Was Afraid of Being Perceived as Gay Now Offended You Don’t Perceive Her as Gay

How to Stay Cool When Certain Drugs Make You Fall Asleep

I Felt Silly For Mistaking My Tower Fan For A Murderer. Then It Tried To Kill Me.

QUIZ: Do You Really Like Meat or Do You Just Like Salt and Drama?

REPORT: Birds Have Too Many Hard Parts

I’m a Total Slut for Scented Candles and Also Cum

5 Shorts That Let Everyone Know You Denounce the Prophecies of the Groundhog

5 Balloon Jeans That Will Help You Finally Seduce the Old Guy From ‘Up’

Woman Without Primary Care Physician Has Cat With Allergist

REPORT: People Don’t Take Enough Candid and Beautiful Photos of Me

I LIVED IT: The People on This Dating App Don’t Get That I’m Me

How to Reschedule Your Way Into the Next Life

QUIZ: Are We Supposed to Be Just Going to the Dermatologist?

I Just Heard A British Person Say ‘Goose Pimples.’ Here’s Why I’m Burning Down Buckingham Palace.

Non-Tipping Customer Being Extra Nice Not Fooling Anyone

Late Period Triggering Less Anxiety Now That Pregnancy Is Cool

I LIVED IT: I Fell Asleep to a Sufjan Stevens Album and Woke Up Vegan

How to Walk Past a Man in a Suit Without Imagining What It Would Be Like to Divorce Him

5 Fine Line Tattoos That’ll Make You Think a Hair Got Stuck to You