With the holiday season behind us, gift shops are once again a quiet oasis where I can peruse a rich selection of scented candles. I don’t hesitate to admit this guilty pleasure, because the truth is I am a huge slut for scented candles, and also for cum.
I have friends who identify as sluts for avocado, expensive skincare, even dessert. But my naughty little predilection has always been for exquisite scented candles (and additionally jizz).
Sorry, not sorry!
When it comes to scented candles, I simply can’t get enough. Neroli, patchouli, sandalwood — lay it on me! And I feel similarly about hot shots of sticky seed. I guess in addition to being a candle slut, I’m kind of…a cum slut? Can you be a slut for cum? Is that a thing? Anyway, I am kookoolala cwazy for candles! It’s just my little quirk.
Some people might judge me for filling up my apartment with so many conflicting scent profiles, but I know who I am and I don’t care what other people think.
Just the other day my friend came over for dinner and was like, “Another scented candle?!” I wouldn’t take it. I said, “That’s slut shaming. What’s next? Judging me for my love of being covered in thick, viscous jizzum?” And she was like, “No, that would be actual slut shaming, which is wrong, and I take no issue with your sexual preferences, I’m just worried that you keep buying so many $35 candles. You have credit card debt.”
I mean, what the fuck?
Others judge me for taking up the candle slut moniker altogether, saying things like, “That’s not sluttiness, you just like candles, and your use of that word is actually stigmatizing and weird,” to which I say, “Well I’m also a cum slut” and then they’re like, “Okay, well I don’t even know what to do with that.”
So yeah, this is the sort of puritanical BS us unabashed candle sluts are up against.
There’s just nothing more magical than turning down the lights, lighting some scented candles, and luxuriating in their fragrant glow #justcandleslutthings! It’s almost as magical as cum shooting out of an erect penis. I mean, isn’t that just remarkable? I wonder if there’s anyone out there who shares my niche interests.
So if anyone has a scented candle they want to offload, or a load they want to offload, please reach out! Just don’t suggest that I get a cum-scented candle. I’m a slut, not a fucking pervert.
