In Cincinnati, OH, 26-year-old Rachel Bynes was having a pregnancy scare, but realized now that Rihanna is pregnant, the worst-case scenario is actually significantly less bad.
When Rachel realized her vagina hadn’t bled in 40 days, she reportedly started panic-praying, saying, “Oh God, no please no, God, please don’t let me be pregnant I’ll do anything, please Lord’.”
But when Rachel remembered that Rihanna – confirmed to be the freest woman in the world – announced she was pregnant, sources say she single-handedly rewrote the concepts of pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood to have “coolness” hardwired into their very definition.
And now, Rachel’s anxiety about her late period is quickly mellowing out.
“I used to stay up at night worrying about unwanted pregnancy sometimes,” Rachel told us. “But right now, I think I can go either way with what happens to my uterus. I’m kind of 50/50 on it.”
“Normally, whenever Rachel has a late period, she’s Googling week-by-week breakdown of the symptoms of early pregnancy, chugging pomegranate juice, and yelling at her ‘stupid non-responsive vagina,’” Rachel’s boyfriend Daniel said. “But this time, she’s just scrolling on her phone, saving Instagram spottings of pregnant Rihanna going shopping, wearing those sheer black tops.”
“It’s just a late period – so I’m going to not jump to the worst possible conclusion,” she continued, daydreaming about how she’d look posing under a New York City bridge with A$AP Rocky tenderly caressing her baby bump.
“Don’t get me wrong,” said Rachel. “When I think about having to care for a human’s food, emotional nourishment, and all other nurturing for the next 18 years – and the very real possibility that a bundle of proto-life that could literally be gestating in my body as I speak – I almost black out from terror.”
“But also, if I really were pregnant right now,” Rachel added, “Badgalriri and I would be preggerz at the same time. We’d be Preggie Pals. So there are silver linings.”
“So pregnancy really wouldn’t be the end of the world. Maybe it’s about time I start my Rih– I mean, motherhood era,” said Rachel. “Of course, motherhood is an extremely serious responsibility, but at this point in my life, I’m Riha– I mean, I’m ready.”
At press time, Rachel’s vagina reportedly started bleeding, and sources say she was honestly kinda bummed.
