REPORT: Birds Have Too Many Hard Parts

A recent report from the Avian Research Institute has suggested that birds have way too many hard parts on their weird bodies.


“Here at the Institute, we are dedicated to avian conservation and continually cultivating knowledge,” says Dr. Jaclyn Wu. “But to level with the public, we have always known that something about birds is sort of fucked up, and ultimately we’ve landed on the fact they’ve just got too many hard parts all over them.”


“I speak as someone who has dedicated my life to birds,” Dr. Wu adds. “But between their beaks and their bills and their sharp feet, they’re inarguably clickety clackety and crunchy and messed up.”


The finding has come as a relief to those who have long sought clarity on what’s up with birds and why it’s bad, but it’s troubling news to others.


“Birds are beautiful creatures,” says bird watcher Hunter Reese. “But I guess they do have a lot of hard little parts that do not feel good when you touch them.”


Dr. Wu confirms.


“Even their feathers are sort of hard,” she says. “I mean think of a quill. God, it sends chills down my spine.”


Despite consensus being reached that birds should have fewer hard parts, all is not lost for these creatures of flight and those who love them.


“Birds are a wonderful and important part of our ecosystem,” says Dr. Wu. “Did you know that birds swallow food whole then grind it up with their gizzard, which is a muscley thing inside their stomach? This is a poor example to illustrate my point because this is also gross and sucks, but at any rate.”


The team is also considering extending research on birds’ freaky necks and why the hell they move like that.