REPORT: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

In a recent story developing literally everywhere in the world, researchers have concluded that honestly everything is just UGHHHHHH.


“I woke up and as soon as my eyes opened, I knew it was going to be one of those days,” said Sadie Oliver, a researcher in this field. “One of those days meaning basically every day we’re alive. Mainly because as soon as you look at the news or check your email or anything, it’s like… gahhhh ughhh whyyyy!”


It has been previously suggested that maybe things would soon be WOOO, but that has not in fact been the case. And those who believe otherwise are naive and have not thought about it hard enough.


One outlier, Annie Delaney, insisted things were at the very least YAYYYYYY. “I think we just need to look at the positive stuff that’s happening and be grateful for being alive,” Annie said with a truly rude smile on her face that makes us all a little nauseous.


“I just… Ughhhhh. Whatever,” said lead scientist of this study, Hannah Wentworth. “I just like don’t even have the energy to explain at this point. I’m gonna go lay down and watch Criminal Minds, because somehow it’s the only thing that calms me now? That’s how ughhhhhh things truly are.”



Needless to say we shit-talked Annie for a while separately and then showed her pictures of the environmental damage that proves the Earth isn’t gonna last much longer. We could immediately see some ughhhh in her eyes. Which was a beautiful feat of science.


Experiencing so much ughhhhhh can be disheartening, but the bond that everyone has over it may be the only true woooo we will ever experience in this hellfire world we live in, and researchers say we should try to take comfort in that.


“If you don’t have someone to turn to and say, ‘Ugggghghhhh,’” explains Wentworth, “then what are we even doing here?”