Woman Who Once Was Afraid of Being Perceived as Gay Now Offended You Don’t Perceive Her as Gay

In a confusing story out of Washington, DC, 23-year-old Kayla Watkins spent years hoping no one would recognize she was gay, but is now deeply offended that nobody seems to recognize she is gay.


When one of Watkins’ casual acquaintances asked if she had a boyfriend, Watkins was taken aback, as if she hadn’t spent the first 22 years of her life as a self-described “super strong ally.”


“Do I not seem gay?” asked Watkins, even though the thought of anyone noticing that three years ago would have made her hyperventilate.


“Sorry,” her coworker John Sanchez quickly recovered. “I just didn’t want to assume.”


He clearly didn’t realize Watkins would love for him to assume, even though she spent decades hoping no one would ever think about sexuality, let alone question it or bring it up at all.



“I’m so obviously not into dudes!” said Watkins. “What would make you even think that??”


This from the woman who spent her childhood making up crushes on random boys and hanging up posters of One Direction to distract from being obviously not into dudes.


Watkins maintains that she’s done everything she can to dress in a way that signals she’s queer, a stark contrast to the ripped skinny jeans/tank top combo she sported throughout college, lest anyone suspect she craved the touch of a woman.


“Like come on, do people not have eyes?” she asked, even though she once used the phrase “thirsting for that ass” to describe a man for whom she was pretending to have romantic feelings.


Watkins’ former roommate Cassy weighed in.


“When I suggested that she might be attracted to girls a few years back, she got super sweaty, called me ‘shit for brains,’ and threw up,” she said. “Now, if you don’t make a gay joke every few hours, she feels ‘unseen and unheard.’”


At press time, Watkins seemed to have completely forgotten the time in middle school she whispered, “Does this plaid button-down make me seem….gay?” The comment was evaluated as mildly homophobic but has since been forgiven considering the circumstances.