Okay What? This Woman Isn’t Gay

In a confusing turn of events, Asheville, NC resident Jana Kessler isn’t gay? Like at all?


Sources are reporting that Kessler really has absolutely 0% interest in women.


“We were watching the J-Lo/Shakira half-time show, and I was like, ‘Wow these ladies are hot!’” said longtime friend Megan Roberts. “But all she said was, ‘Yeah, they’re definitely really talented!’”


Okay, what?


College roommate Paula Browne said she always expected Kessler to come out during their time in school, but as months turned to years without gay development, conditions became uncertain.


“College was really big for a lot of us,” said Browne. “It was really beautiful to watch everyone figure out their sexuality. I knew she liked men, but I was like okay yeah definitely bisexuality is 100% a valid identity, and I can’t wait for her to discover that!”


But then she never did. Which to us is like, huh??



On the Kinsey Scale, Kessler says she’s a 0, indicating exclusive heterosexuality.


“I didn’t know people actually picked that one,” said roommate Mckenzie Smith. “I thought it was just kinda there for show. Like slim tampons.”


Kessler, who has had several happy relationships exclusively with men, says she’s very supportive of the LGBTQ+ community


“I feel really passionate about fighting for my LGBTQ+ siblings,” says Kessler. “I don’t attend Pride because it’s not a space for me. I want to be a respectful ally.”


Friends continue to be confused.


“We were all ‘allies’ at one point,” said Roberts. “I thought that was just a word we used so we could go to the Gay-Straight Alliance and have no one question us.”


Queer Theory professor Frances Jefferson says she has trouble understanding Kessler’s point of view.


“All sexuailties are valid,” said Jefferson. “But we all know everyone is like…a little gay. Right?? So to meet a woman who is not? It’s definitely making me reconsider everything I know about my field of study. Right? I mean it’s weird, right??”