Once thought to be a fun-loving gal about town, 24-year-old Melanie Bevenson recently revealed herself to be the kind of full-blown sociopath who can relax and unwind while sitting upright in a chair.
Just last week, Melanie and her roomies Amber and Jess decided to stay in, order some takeout, and watch a movie. As the three settled in to watch “Bridget Jones’ Diary” on Netflix, Melanie breezed past her roommates on the couch instead sitting down at the kitchen table.
That’s right. Melanie chose to watch the greatest film of our time while sitting upright like some kind of professional ballet dancer. To make matters worse, Melanie wasn’t even hunched over: she was sitting erect with her arms at her side, choosing to sit tall on her butt in a wooden chair from Ikea, while watching Renee Zellweger speak with a British accent.
Her roommates were understandably concerned.
“I was like…is she going to just…sit and watch an entire movie…in a chair?” said Amber. “I get, like, watching an episode of Gilmore Girls at the table while you eat your chia pudding for breakfast, but to watch an entire feature-length film at night by choice is just sick…”
“The worst part was that she seemed to be enjoying herself,” Jess added. “When Amber and I found Melanie on Craigslist and asked her to move in, we never suspected she would be the type to do something like this.”
“In hindsight, we should have been suspicious of Melanie when she wanted to put her Pad Thai on a plate instead of eating it out of the thing,” Jess added.
When asked about the incident, the deranged chair-sitter had no excuse.
“What? I’m comfortable here,” said Melanie, sitting mere feet from both a couch and her own queen size bed and still willfully deciding to relax in a seated position instead of gently reclining. “I don’t understand the big deal.”
“Next they’ll try to tell me that I’m ‘strange’ for preferring low-rise, zero stretch jeans,” she added.”They’re so comfy!”
Oh my god, bitch, no!