Woman Stays Subscribed to Criterion Channel Just In Case She Becomes Entirely Different Person

In a story of amazing self-deception, 25-year-old Emma Lee decided to renew her monthly subscription to the Criterion Channel yet another time, just in case she becomes an entirely different person and starts using the service.


According to reports, Emma, who almost never uses her Criterion subscription, recently decided against canceling her membership, just on the off chance everything about her aesthetic tastes and actual behavior undergoes a complete 180-degree reversal.


“I considered pulling the plug on my Criterion subscription this month. But then I was like, wait, what if I want to go through Agnes Varda’s filmography this week?” said Emma, whose top-recommended category on Netflix is ‘Binge-worthy Sardonic Sitcoms.’


Although the only thing Emma has successfully finished watching on Criterion is a 7-minute short film she couldn’t give you the title of, she is adamant that she’ll truly start reaping the benefits of her subscription – just as soon as she overhauls the hardwired behaviors, habits, and tastes that make her who she is.


“No really,” said Emma, “this week is the week when I make the switch from watching Love is Blind to watching In the Mood for Love.”



Emma – who once tweeted “@Criterion – where is your speed-adjustment setting!!” – said, “Honestly I think this week I’ll come home from work, and want to take a crack at those Czechoslovakian New Wave films I added to my list last year.”


“Who knows? I could go to a hypnotist,” Emma added. “Or I could be hit by a car and suffer from memory loss, which would allow me to reprogram a new identity for myself as somebody who actually enjoys cinema.”


When asked the real reason why Emma won’t wake up from the dream of self-delusion, embrace the reality of the person she is in the current moment, and stop projecting ideals of what she thought she ought to be on herself, Emma shrugged, and insisted it’s much simpler than that.


“What about all those months I paid for this service, just in case I completely fundamentally change who I am as a person? I can’t walk away now,” said Emma. “That would be wasteful.”


At press time, Emma reported being unable to cancel her subscription because she forgot her login password last year.