Woman Too Tired to Check if That Noise Was a Serial Killer

In a show of radical apathy, Baltimore resident Hadley Johnson is currently far too tired to check if that noise outside her bedroom was a serial killer.


“It’s past 1a.m. and I just heard some rustling in the kitchen outside my room,” Hadley says. “It’s a bit weird because my roommate is currently in Ireland, but honestly I think I’m just gonna go to sleep and hope for the best.”


While some would be unable to rest until relieving any concern of being serial murdered, Hadley doesn’t see it that way.


“I mean, if I did go to investigate and find a serial killer in the kitchen – then I’d have to what? Deal with that?” Hadley says. “Again, I’m just too tired. Just kill me, I guess.”


“I don’t have the energy to lunge for a kitchen knife or whatever; I have to open tomorrow at work,” she adds. “But with being said, at least if I were murdered I wouldn’t have to open tomorrow at work.”



All in all, Hadley feels that edging her bets by putting on an eye mask and hitting the hay is in her best interest.


“People always say that they want die peacefully in their sleep,” Hadley says. “So if I get murdered in my sleep, maybe it won’t be peaceful, but it would definitely be more chill than an all out brawl. I wouldn’t even be able to focus on fighting for my life, I’d just be thinking about how I have to be up in five hours.”


Though Hadley opted not to leave her bed, she did summon the energy to text her best friend Nadirah: “think there’s a serial killer in my kitchen lol”.


“I’m sure there’s not a murderer in her apartment,” Nadirah says. “But if she just got up for one second to confirm that, then wouldn’t she sleep better? Honestly I think I would sleep better knowing she’s not getting true crimed in the dark of night.”


Nadirah sent a text to Hadley expressing this sentiment, however Hadley was already asleep.


“Great,” says Nadirah. “Now I’m gonna be up all night.”