Decluttering My House Made Me A Serial Killer

I Lived it:

They say that when you clear the clutter out of your house, your whole life changes, but I never really believed it until it happened to me. I used to have so much junk lying around—magazines, dishware, knick-knacks, mementos, you name it. Then, this past spring, I finally decluttered, Now I feel so much more sane! And I’m a serial killer.


Cleaning the junk out of your house frees you up to be who you were always meant to be. As it turns out, I was always meant to be a cold-blooded murderer—I just could never see it until all the flat surfaces in my house were visible.


When your surrounding are clear, your mind is clear. You don’t realize what a weight your belongings are on your mind. And when your mind is empty, you’re no longer bogged down in daily nuisances like empathy for other humans.


When I discovered that I could store bags inside of other bags, I was able to use that extra mental space for other things, like tuning into that little voice in my head, urging me to kill.


It was so refreshing to actually see my floor. And how often was I actually using that novelty yoga mat? Now the only thing on my floor is a plastic tarp where I’ll dismember the body of my next victim with a Swiss Army knife. I should note that it’s now my ONLY Swiss Army knife, as I donated the rest of my collection to Goodwill. And then I murdered the donation clerk, whose body I also quickly disposed of.



It’s odd when I think of it now, but I remember one day before I started cleaning in earnest, I took out the trash, and then went upstairs and smiled at all the freed-up closet space. It was the first day of the rest of my life. It was also the second-to-last day of the life of Karen Fummels, 55, a gossipy coworker and my first victim. Life is funny sometimes, isn’t it?


The way things are going, I estimate that in about six months, I’ll be able to transition to murdering from home 100% of the time. Can you imagine? Me? My own boss? And all because I finally decluttered my life. I’m living the American dream—a dream filled with wonder, self-determination, and blood.


You never know what you’re going to discover when you declutter your house. It might be scary, but I guarantee it’s worth doing. Worst case scenario, you have a cleaner, more welcoming home; best case scenario, you learn something new and exciting about yourself!