Lana Del Rey Actually Dead Girl Who Mysteriously Drowned in Lake

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New information surfaced this week that singer Lana Del Rey, best known for the song “Video Games,” is confirmed to be the young woman found dead seven years ago, pulled from the waters of Lake Silence, in the sleepy mountain town of Devils Hills.


Del Rey, née Elizabeth Woolridge Grant, has received critical acclaim for her moody Hollywood pop music since the release of her 2012 album, Born to Die. This week, investigators confirmed that Del Rey is actually a dead girl who perished seven years ago in an incident full of mystery and small town intrigue. She released her third studio album, Ultraviolence, earlier this month to largely positive reviews.


Initially the cause of death was ruled as an accidental drowning, but locals believe there may have been foul play. Suspects include Woolridge’s boyfriend, high school quarterback Chip Kendrick, known alcoholic Police Chief McKenna, with whom she may have been sexually involved, or possibly even Woolridge’s father, an emotionally volatile mechanic who was known to be a strict disciplinarian.


“I think it was that Kendrick boy,” said local eccentric Mrs. Moody, a beekeeper who can often be found wandering the shores of Lake Silence, and a fan of the song, “Summertime Sadness”. “One time I saw him drive his Thunderbird down to the White Horse Gentlemen’s Club with another woman in the front seat. She looked just like Elizabeth, but she had shocking red hair. It was a strange thing. A strange, strange thing.”


Evidence collected at the lake included a smashed heart­shaped locket, a diner napkin with the telephone number of a nearby telephone booth on it, a roll of undeveloped film containing pictures of hands intertwined, and Woolridge’s diary, the final pages of which appear to have been ripped out.



“This is probably all some publicity stunt,” said music blogger Anna Hopper. “Ultraviolence is so dark and cinematic, I thought she was really coming into her own as a songwriter. But it turns out that she’s just exploiting the story of a dead girl who drowned in a lake. Though it might explain the mysterious puddles people have seen appear on her tour bus and occasionally onstage.”


“I wish I could die,” Del Rey said enigmatically in an interview earlier this week.