Woman Wins Five-Year High School Reunion

Reunion - Reductress

After years of recovering from adolescence, Rachael Smith returned to Austin High School on Saturday, winning her five-year high school reunion.


“I’m in a really good place right now,” Smith stated repeatedly, referring to her steady job of nine months and her new boyfriend of three.


Smith emerged atop the leader board early into the evening, when sources close to Smith confirmed that her high school boyfriend’s new girlfriend wasn’t even that cute.



“Delia Randall has not aged well,” said best friend Morgan Crouch, the only remaining member of Smith’s adolescent clique, The Fab Five. “And Marcy Sheehan got fat in college.”


Smith’s lead was challenged later in the evening when she encountered frenemy Jenna Laszlo, who is now an investment banker on Wall Street with a live-in boyfriend. Fortunately Laszlo has not lived down the time she got her period in the middle of a cheerleading competition.


“Anyway, If I wanted to go into business, I would have,” said Smith, an art history major. “I’m doing great.”