Help! I Got My Period on This Chair So I’ve Just Been Sitting Here for 100 Years

There’s nothing worse than getting your period unexpectedly. One second you’re out living your life and the next you’re paralyzed with fear as you accidentally free-bleed down your legs. That’s why, when I got my period on this chair 100 years ago, I decided to just sit still and never move and have been sitting here ever since. It’s easier this way!


When I first sat on this chair it was 1917, which may seem like a long time ago to some, but honestly feels even longer when you’re the one worried that a person – or a man – might see that you made a bloody little leak on the seat. I knew I could never let that happen, which is why I made the decision to just stay put for eternity. I like this chair, and I’m happy that I’ve been sitting on it for another 100 years!


I guess I thought that if I just sat for a while, I’d eventually figure out what to do. Or that the stigma around menstruation would just sort of disappear. Well, now it’s 2017 and apparently it’s still embarrassing as hell to have your period!



Actually, because I’ve been sitting here for so long, I’ve had many years of periods and what started as a small problem has become quite a big one. The entire chair is now soaked in blood, as is the floor around the chair. It looks scary! Also I used to be sitting in a café but now the café is gone and all that’s left is me in this dang chair in the middle of a “mall” I think? I suppose that’s a small price to pay to keep your dignity.


I suppose if there’s anything I regret, it’s that I’m 123 years old now, which means I missed the best 70 years of my youth. Aw, applesauce! What a dingbat I’ve been.


Anyway, can somebody bring me a sweatshirt to tie around my waist? Also, is World War I still happening?