If Dick Is So Great, Why Can’t It Charge My Phone?

Everyone’s always talking a big game about the power of dick. I’ve heard that dick has delighted, entertained, and even moved people to tears. But if dick is so great, why can’t it charge my phone?


Yeah, that’s what I thought!


Sure, a dick can bring you to orgasm, but that’s nothing compared to being able to bring life back into my phone which just dropped from 17% to 3% battery! As far as what I can use on a minute-to-minute basis, I just can’t find use for even the most amazing of dicks, but I absolutely could use an iPhone 6 charger right now.


Suck on that, dicks!


You’re telling me that dick is amazing, but you know what’s really amazing? A lightning cable. The fact is every single phone charger is capable of bringing my phone to a complete charge, but no dicks are able to plug into my wall or computer. I know there’s no one who can fix that, exactly, but it’s like, no, I won’t worship your dick if it’s not HDMI-compatible. You’re telling me that’s “not the point” of dicks, but I think you need to rethink what “great” really means!


Frankly, I think it’s sad people won’t just admit that dicks would be better if they could also charge my phone. They can’t even charge Kindles or old MacBooks, so there’s no reason to even have them lying around the house just in case.



At the end of the day, I’m perfectly happy with my sexual life because I know that the addition of dicks wouldn’t bring what I’m really looking for which is, you guessed it, a way to charge my damn phone. I’m not saying that I haven’t experienced a dick that made me go “VA VA VA VOOOOOM BEEP BEEP HELLO, SAILOR!” but it just seems counterproductive to go gaga over a penis when it can’t also provide a phone-related power source.


Maybe I’m crazy for asking so much of dick, but I honestly think you should be asking more. The next time you start going wild for dick, think closely: is it charging my phone, specifically? If not, say goodbye! It will never be all that we need!