I Didn’t Come to This Corn Maze to Make Friends

Every time I come to a corn maze, my friends make the same fatal mistake. They try to “keep things light and fun” inside the corn maze. Well, now that we’re out of the Zipcar we rented to take us to beautiful Hudson Valley, New York, I want to make one thing abundantly clear: I did not come to this corn maze to make friends.


I hope everybody heard me because it’s every woman for herself in this corn maze from here on out.


I came here, on this weekend girl’s trip, for one reason and one reason alone: to dominate this gorgeously pastoral corn maze and show it once and for all who’s boss. Anyone who thinks that we’re going to keep laughing and joking and chatting as we wander through the twists and turns of the sacred maize maze is seriously mistaken. This weekend might be about college friends reuniting after five years apart, but this corn maze is about winning. And winning takes focus. So back off, bitches, because I will fucking own this maze.


I just love corn mazes. I love all the corn. I love the maze. There are literal acres of labyrinths, intricately and painstakingly designed for mind-bending fun. And you think I’m going to let a bunch lifelong friendships get in the way of all that? Not a chance.



If anything, I came here to lose friends. It wouldn’t be the first time! Just last year I got so amped in a maze that Shannon took a train home early. Is that my fault? No, bitch! She couldn’t hack it. And that’s why this year I’m making rules and setting boundaries. I’m not here to make new friends. And I will ignore my old friends. If someone falls or is lost, I will move on without them. This is WAR. I mean, this is…A CORN MAZE.


So if anyone fucks with my maze, I will end them, plain and simple. I mean, I will murder them. I will murder my friends. Because I don’t need to “strengthen my female friendships.” I need to get my friggin life inside a corn maze.


One thing’s for sure: I fucking love corn.