Researchers at Harvard Still Can’t Figure Out Why His Dick Game the Meanest

Despite four years of research and counting, a team of scientists at Harvard University have yet to truly understand why 27-year-old club promoter Jason Tennant’s dick game is the meanest.


“We’ve done just about everything; lab tests, animal trials, human trials and both latitudinal and longitudinal studies,” said Benjamin Klein, lead researcher of the Dick Game Task Force at Harvard. Klein noted that his team of 45 qualified data analysts, biologists, and physicists are baffled; they’ve essentially come to a standstill regarding this unusually strong dick game.


“So far, we know the basics; about six inches long, commendable girth, and impressive stroke capabilities. There’s something missing, though. We can’t quite speak, at this time, to why exactly his dick game is as mean as it is.”


Klein and his team began their tireless, crucial work in early 2016 when they picked up an unfinished project by another team at MIT. The MIT scientists had been working on coming to conclusions on dick game since 1985, but faced budget issues that ultimately forced them to halt research.


Today, Klein feels positive that there will be answers in the near future. “We have the funding. We have the brains. We have the resources. We’re testing new variables, running advanced qualitative scenarios, and engaging in cutting-edge modules. Something about that mean-ass dick is gonna crack soon.”


Meanwhile, Jason’s lovers (past and present) continue to agonize without a clear answer.


“It was one thing to seriously enjoy sex with Jason, but to not understand why his dick game was as strikingly mean as it was? I couldn’t handle it. Who could?” said Amanda Jacobs, an ex of Jason’s.


“It will probably be a bigger issue down the line,” admitted Natalia Lopez, Jason’s current girlfriend. “At some point, good sex doesn’t need to be coupled with mystery. I deserve to know exactly why that dick, and Jason’s ability to wield it, is able to make me cum like I’ve never cum before.”


As research continues, aided by new funding announced last week courtesy of the Human Rights Campaign, Jason, too, waits eagerly.


“We’ve come a really long way,” Jason told us over FaceTime. “This question has been on my mind for years. For me, it’s not just personal; there is a community out there of guys like me, who have dick games of astrological proportion but no clear understanding of why. The not knowing eats me up at night; whether it’s before, during, or after having incredible sex. I’m kind of the real victim here.”



Good news may be soon on the way for Jason, as several U.K.-based research organizations are reportedly in talks with Klein and his team to combine resources and compare similar studies currently being done across the pond.


“Whatever it takes,” said Jason.