Kinder: A New Dating App Exclusively for Men with Kind Eyes

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Single women who date online are buzzing after a developer announced a new dating app this Monday that only accepts men with kind eyes.


The app’s creator is 22-year old Laura Michaels, a Silicon Valley tech wunderkind who herself had grown frustrated with dating apps.


“Here I am, an independently wealthy college graduate, and I’m forced to devote my data usage to these serial-killer-eyed losers who insist on posting photos of themselves with dead fish or their cars.”


The application features an algorithm that zeroes in on the user’s eyes, reads their vibes, and assesses the likelihood that they’ve donated to charity, or has a cool dog. The technology also filters out users who smirk instead of smile, rely excessively on group photos, or wear a scary mask.


The primary goal of Michaels’ app is efficiency. “There’s a lot of mean-eyed, self-serving jerks on Tinder. Sometimes I get on a left swipe streak and miss a guy with whom I share mutual friends, a cute dog, great hair, and sweetie pie eyes. But with Kinder, we’ve swiped away the wasted hours, leaving you with just the kind-eyed guys.”



Study after study has shown that the eyes are the windows to the soul, which is why Michael’s algorithm focuses to heavily on the eyes. Kinder is for women who want to date someone like Jimmy Fallon, or men who have recently used the word “gratitude.”


Users have only found one glitch in Kinder’s system. On occasion, the app has accidentally analyzed the sweet, goofy eyes of the dog pictured beside the user in question.


“I loved the dog, but his owner was garbage,” says one anonymous user. “They should really fix that.”


Kinder is available for $1.99; however, the free version is also available directly from your mother.