Earlier today, Los Angeles native Leanne Rolter confirmed she is comfortable talking about pooping, but would rather keep you in the dark when it comes to her age.
“Everybody poops. That’s life! It’s normal and I’m not ashamed to talk about it,” says Rolter. “But my age? That’s another story. That’s private to me because when people find out a woman’s age, they judge her differently. They start judging her personal life, her career accomplishments—stuff nobody starts judging when they just find out you sometimes poop.”
Rolter, a lawyer, has made it clear to her co-workers that she is anything but shy when it comes to sharing stories about defecation. However, sources confirm she has used her legal background to withhold all documents that could possibly reveal her age.
“Leanne is really open about what she does in the bathroom after her morning coffee. She’s often graphic to the point where I have to leave the room,” says Renée Gerston, Rolter’s co-worker. “But on her birthday, when we asked how old she was turning so we could put the right number of candles on her cake, she yelled, ‘YOU’LL NEVER KNOW HOW OLD I REALLY AM!’ and didn’t come back to work until the following Monday.”
Rolter has two children aged 12 and 16, and completed her undergraduate degree from Washington University in St. Louis in the early ‘90s, so one can deduce she is now in her late 40s or early 50s.
When pressed about why she has trouble sharing this information, Rolter responded, “Don’t you have a private life? My god, yes, I have diarrhea most mornings and have also been alive since at least the early 2000s. Are you done asking me questions that make me uncomfortable? This obsession with age needs to stop!”
At the conclusion of the interview, Rolter’s assistant came into her office and handed her a letter from Washington University in St. Louis inviting her to a reunion. Rolter grabbed the envelope and quickly fed it through her shredder before saying, “Excuse me, now I have to go shit my brains out. I’ll let you know how it goes.”