If I’ve heard it from one ex-boyfriend, I’ve heard it from them all: “You’re so pretty when you cry!”
I’ve spent years denying it because compliments are hard, but I’m finally ready to accept that yes, I am pretty when I cry. And boy, if you agree, you’re gonna love watching me sob on this bathroom floor.
Seriously, get your boner out ‘cause you’re gonna love the wet squeals of my wretched sobs!
Here I am, a beautiful woman, completely scrunched up, face down in a puddle of her own tears and probably a little bit of someone else’s urine. It’s like when a small stream of tears caresses my cheek but turnt up a few notches for even more sexy sadness. Beautiful, right? Just knowing that I’m hurting, and hurting deeply, must make me all the more stunning.
Do the glossy tears make my eyes glimmer in a way that takes your breath away? Then watch this bathroom fluorescent light reflect off my puffy eyelids! If it’s the mascara trail down both cheeks that does it for you, then I’ve gonna be a treat. Look at these claw marks on my face! Yes, I have been thinking about the fact that misery is a universal inevitability of life and it makes me claw at my face like a buried-alive cat. Try to take in all this majestic beauty. I dare you.
And boy, if the sight of me quietly weeping is endearing to you, then you are just going to love the sounds of my full-throated moans. The echo in here is a perfect way to make sure my mental torment really resonates. It’s been an hour and I haven’t stopped wailing—can you even stand how much you are attracted to me? I also just sniffed a big glob of snot back up my nose. Beware of my thirst trap!
One more thing I want to show you to get your tinglers all tingly: look how soaked I am. That’s right. I am soaked head to toe in tears and the sweat I broke from sobbing so hard. Sobbing from my gut. You know the kind of crying that feels like you’ve done an ab workout? It made me all wet and I hope that makes you wet too, if you know what I mean. I would wink there, but I can’t open one of my eyes because I am still crying and crying and crying. I can’t seem to stop myself!
So next time you think I’m beautiful when I cry a few regular tears, try to remember that I’m capable of so much more. Just crouch down on the bathroom floor and really look at me. Aren’t I gorgeous?