How To Snag A Groomsman With Your Mouth Full Of Shrimp Cocktail

Destroy Friendship

Weddings are a beautiful celebration of love and commitment, and also about hunting down someone without a plus-one to obliterate your snatch at the end of the night. Since weddings are also about obliterating food that somebody else paid for, everything becomes a blur when you see a platter of shrimp cocktail heading your way. But who says snacks and dicks are mutually exclusive? Not us! Here is the definitive guide to hooking a wedding hottie without sacrificing your mouthful of appetizers.


Nail your closed-mouth smile.

Pique his interest with a sly, subtle, closed-mouth smile from across the party. He doesn’t need to know that your tongue is wrestling some bacon-wrapped figs right now. All he needs to see is your toothless charm, tempting him to come over and learn a little more.


Channel Ariel from The Little Mermaid.

Remember when Ariel gave her voice to Ursula and had to snag Prince Eric without speaking? This is just like that, except without the singing crabs. With your mouth full of shrimp, you and Ariel share two important facets: a lack of vocal communication skills and a love of sea creatures. So cute! When this be-suited stud approaches you for a conversation, let your muteness translate to delicate shyness. It’ll make him say, “Wow, this person won’t talk and I think keeps chewing—I’d love to see her naked!”


Imitate a hamster to show him you’re funny.

There are really only so many jokes to make when your mouth is full, but this one is dynamite. Stuff an extra spoonful of caviar in your cheeks, puff them out real big, and suck your teeth on your lower lip to make a rodent noise. He’ll love it! It’ll show him that while nonverbal, you’re still a great communicator with an excellent ability to imitate certain animals. Before you know it, he’ll be totally smitten.


Groove to the beat

Dance is the universal language and it requires no words, which is good because you are choking down some hor d’oeuvres. Take your man to the dance floor and show him those moves we know you’ve got. Just make sure you find the server with those little crackers with lox and cream cheese on them—oh my god they’re so good—and shove ‘em in your purse before diving into the crowd. Occasionally look at your guy, still shy and mysterious, and give your lips a little lick. It’s always a coy, sexy move, and a great way to snag any lingering crumbs.



Give him a kiss, and a taste of your snacks

Seal the deal with a mouth-to-mouth appetizer transfer, the most romantic and sexual smooch of all. When the night’s winding down—perhaps at last call, or when the DJ plays “Closing Time”—you’ll know when’s the right moment to lock lips. Pass a portion of shrimp cocktail (don’t forget the sauce) from your mouth to his, and he’ll be totally hooked!


When trying to bag a dude, never sacrifice who you are or what finger foods are stuffed in your gullet. Your little quirks and potentially harmful obsession with bite-sized food make you you. And you’re special. The right guy will see that, and he very well may be at your next wedding!