Ready to blow this ugly sweater party while shoving a bunch of Chex Mix down your gullet? Don’t fret! There’s no need to wait around with those shmoes until your food is ready to swallow. We’ve got some killer exit strategies you can put into action while you’re still chewing on Karen’s famous reindeer cookies.
The Double Peace Sign Backwards Walk
We think this is something Jay-Z might do as he silently leaves a treat-filled holiday party. And since it doesn’t require any words whatsoever, it’s perfect for when your mouth is completely full of the gourmet cheese Jason’s boss brought. Nice one, Jason! So when you’re ready to peace out, just keep chomping dem party snacks and throw your hands up in a double peace sign while walking backwards out the door. The other guests will think you’re so cool, you’re above basic etiquette!
The Hug ‘n Groan
This is perfect for when your introverted boyfriend comes bolting across the room—to where you’re camped out at the snack table and really ready to leave. Thank god for Introvert Craig, as all your friends call him! Before you know it, he’s saying goodbye to the host, but hot damn if you’re not still gnawing on that chunk of pricey salumi. So what do you do? Don’t rush this precious moment with your favorite cured meat product. Instead, make a loving, grateful “mmmm!” noise and give a nice, holiday hug goodbye.
The Houdini
Everyone knows this party-ghost exit. But you can sort of feel okay about leaving your friend’s “surprise” engagement party without saying goodbye because, frankly, you have so much of her mother-in-law’s peanut butter fudge in your mouth, it would be ruder to try and say something as you exit. Who knows what might glob outta there! Don’t run out too fast, or you might choke!
The “Look Over There!” and Dash
This is perfect for the company holiday party where Dale from HR will undoubtedly try to corner you for a chat. If you happen to have just shoved a fistful of caramel popcorn in your tongue-cave and want out of this convo before it gets rolling, simply widen your eyes in horror, point behind his shoulder and when he turns around, and make a beeline for the door. Breezy as hell! And, bonus: You have a snack for the trip home, right there in your mouth!
A Cartwheel?
Don’t attempt this if you haven’t successfully completed one in the last seven years. But if you happen to still be sort of limber, this could be a dope way to exit that white elephant gift exchange with your college besties. Since you’ll undoubtedly still have a champagne Jello shot or two in your mouth, you won’t be able to make a lame excuse, but you can simply start doing cartwheels toward the door. Your gal pals will be like, “She’s so crazy, but so fun! Typical Ashley!” Your name is Ashley.
Congrats! Now you’re armed and ready to leave any party at a moment’s notice even if you’re only two chews into that artichoke dip. Happy Holidays!
