REPORT: Woman Just Needs to Lie on Floor for an Hour and Then She’ll Be Ready to Go

A recent report out of Queens, NY posits that Jordan Greene will be ready to leave her apartment soon – she just needs to lie on the floor for just about an hour.


“I’m, like, on my way out the door,” said Greene, still floor-bound and horizontal, when she was reached for comment. “There’s just a couple things I need to wrap up first.”


Reporters say Greene gave no indication as to what those “things” actually were, but from observation, they seem to be “experiencing the floor” and “perceiving the ceiling”.



Although Greene has been quoted stating that “it will only be an hour, I swear,” experts suggest that those with plans hinging on when she will be ready should temper their expectations, as similar statements made in the past have ended up being closer to two hours or never.


The news comes as a shock to Greene’s friends, who say they have plans to get dinner with her this evening, and claim she texted them over an hour ago, saying she was just ten minutes away from the restaurant.


“She even told me to order for her,” says Lara Willard, a close friend of Greene’s. “Luckily for me, I checked her location before I did, otherwise I’d be footing the bill for another spaghetti carbonara right now.”


The report has sparked controversy, with many critics claiming that Greene’s behavior is misleading on several fronts, and that her claims are wholly unsubstantiated.


“It’s just a total pack of lies,” says Alicia Peters, Greene’s roommate and vocal critic of the report’s findings. “I walked past Jordan’s room earlier and she was listening to Paul Simon and hyper-analyzing the water stains on her ceiling. So, no, she will not be ‘ready to go’ for weeks, let alone tonight.”


At press time, Greene had reportedly sent a follow up text to her friends – who at this point had already finished dinner, paid the bill, and left the restaurant to go to a different bar for a drink – alleging that “the trains are taking forever” and that she should be there “any minute”. Her friends stated that they held little hope of seeing Greene that night, or ever again.