REPORT: If You’re Gonna Pee I Might as Well Go Too

In a developing story from 10 minutes ago in this restaurant, early reports are showing that if you’re gonna pee I might as well go too.


“Yeah, I really might as well,” I said, a 32-year-old marketing professional who has had a total of 4 sips of water so far this evening. “Worst case scenario I sit down and nothing comes out. But that’s literally never happened to me in my entire life.”


According to a recent survey conducted outside of bathrooms across the nation, 40% of the people in a public bathroom at any given time figured they might as well go pee. Roughly 10% of these will go on to have a surprise poop. 0% regretted going at all.



“You really have nothing to lose when we’re talking those kinds of numbers. What am I gonna do, sit at the table on my phone while Raquel pees?” I told reporters. “I’d rather take my chances and see if I have to go and get some extra time with my friend in the process.”


“I remember this one time. Raquel had to pee and asked if I needed to go. I said no, but then as soon as she left I realized I actually DID need to go. So I texted her ‘lol now I need to go’ and she wrote back ‘wow, too late, I’m literally going right now.’ It’s exactly this type of scenario I’m trying to avoid moving forward.” 


“Life is too short to spend so much of it wondering if you should go pee.” 


Sources confirm that we both successfully peed and have returned to our table only to repeat the ritual roughly 45 minutes later.