Tensions are running high for Angelos Decker, 27, who is not holding up well under the crushing pressure to relax and decompress in the bath she drew for herself.
“I painstakingly planned out this whole evening of self-care and relaxation,” says Decker. “I scrubbed my tub, I cleared my schedule, I even made a chill vibes playlist, but things are off to a bad start.”
Problems arose near instantaneously as Decker prepared to unwind.
“At first, the water was way too hot, so I was just sitting on the edge, trying to get one leg to adjust to the searing temperatures,” Decker says. “If that weren’t bad enough, I had already lit every candle I own, so I was burning and surrounded by flames, much like actual Hell.”
But the worst was yet to come for the Brooklyn resident and her bath time.
“Once I managed to submerge my body in the water, albeit uncomfortably, I started to panic that the bath was either gross from not being cleaned rigorously enough, or that I had cleaned it too rigorously and am now soaking in toxic chemicals as a result,” Decker tells reporters in a telephone interview. “Also, I’m pretty nervous about dropping my phone in the water.”
Thus far, Decker’s bath has been an exercise in being too wet, too dry, too hot, too cold, and feeling weird about how her pubes look under water.
“If I don’t start relaxing within the next 30 seconds, this whole thing will have been a bust,” says an increasingly distressed Decker. “Plus, I totally beefed the timing of my playlist with the unexpected setback of having to sit waiting for my bath water to cool for 15 minutes, so now I need to make it to my laptop which is precariously situated atop my toilet tank on the opposite side of the bathroom, or my workout music will start playing in this steamy tomb and I’ll probably have an aneurism.”
At press time, Decker had added some essential oils to her bath that she’s pretty sure are causing a severe allergic reaction.