REPORT: You’re Never Learning French

In a developing story out of Chicago, multiple sources have confirmed that you are never learning French, despite what you may think.


“I actually took French in high school, so I have a solid base,” you said, even though the three years of French you took in high school were roughly equivalent to a one semester introductory course, and you don’t remember any of it.


“I’m so busy right now,” you continued. “But it is a high priority, and something I’m working toward in a loose sense.”


Witnesses of your life report that you are not working toward it in any sense, and also it is literally never going to happen.



While all signs point to learning and speaking French not being a part of your future, you insist that learning French is very important to you for some vague reasons you can’t really explain.


“I wanted to speak French ever since I was a little girl and I saw that the British Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap spoke French,” you said. “I guess knowing French feels very British to me, which is cool. And also very French, of course.”


Yeah, it’s not happening.


“For you to learn French fluently, you would have to commit to it very seriously either in classes or online,” said a French expert, Dr. Emile Bondurant. “Additionally, you would need to spend time in a French-speaking country to be fully immersed and practice practical communication.”


“These are things that a person could do in theory,” Dr. Bondurant continued. “But you are just not one of those people, I don’t think.”


Some friends have even suggested that you might channel your desire for bilingualism into trying to learn Spanish since you have many Spanish speaking coworkers and members of your community in Chicago.


“Mm, no. It has to be French for me,” you said. “I just love the culture. It will happen!”


No, it won’t.