REPORT: What Are Eyebrows For

A new finding out of the Virginia School of Medicine shows that we still don’t know why we have eyebrows.


“At a certain point, we realized all our research was leading us to the fact that we don’t know what the fuck is going on with eyebrows,” says Alana Nelson, PhD. “Seriously, what the hell are they for?”


“Wait, aren’t eyebrows there to keep sweat and moisture out of our eyes?” said a nearby 12-year-old, Kelesha Dawes.


“No, I don’t think so. That doesn’t make sense,” Nelson explained while rubbing her glasses.


Nelson’s team of researchers diverted several months from their initial study of eye diseases, to start to begin to ask the question, “Why eyebrows?”


“So far we’re still deep in the research phase,” says Nelson. “There’s not much I can report aside from the fact that the relative need for eyebrows seems to have wavered among young women over the last several decades. We think there might be some kind of connection between the state of the economy and the human desire for a strong brow.”



There is much data collection still needed on the part of Nelson’s team before they will have any findings or even any sort of coherent hypothesis, but they’re certain they’re onto something.


“I mean what is up with these things? And why is no one talking about it?”