Weight loss is about life style changes; there’s no miracle elixir to drop and keep the pounds off. You need a good motivation to make a change, and for me, it was that I needed to lose ten pounds to fit into this amazeballs dress I bought for my company’s holiday party, so I started making lots of little changes in my routine that incorporated more exercise and less refined sugar in order to get to my goal weight. When that didn’t fucking work, I did the next best thing I could think of—an all-eggnog cleanse for ten days. I figured, “If I’m doing a liquid diet around the holidays, it better at least be festive!” How I wish I could turn back the clock. Here’s how it went down:
Prep day! I went to the grocery store and bought ten gallons of eggnog, one for each day of the cleanse. It’s going down pretty easy, and I already feel like I have A TON of energy! Consuming only eggnog for the next week and a half is going to be a piece of cake (which, by the way, I’m not even craving! Wow!)
My burps are super creamy! I don’t really look like I’ve lost weight yet, but I can definitely feel the nog burn. That’s got to mean something, right?
Oh my god, I slept for 22 hours last night. Weird! Work was pissed, but they’ll forget all about it when I step out in my party dress! I had planned to drink an entire carton of ‘nog over the day, but since I slept so long, there’s only 20 more minutes left in this day to drink my gallon quota. Chug-a-lug!
First weigh-in: I GAINED 12 FUCKING POUNDS. How is this possible??? All I’m drinking is liquid fat. What gives? Again, I have chewed nothing in the past four days; just a half-gallon of eggnog with a pint of bourbon. Maybe my body is building muscle, or purging toxins… either way, I’m willing to trust the process.
I’m not a quitter. I’m sticking this out for the full ten days. You gotta gain weight to lose weight, right? I had a lunch meeting with a client and the restaurant couldn’t comply with my eggnog-only dietary restrictions. Luckily, I’d brought a back-up carton that I stashed in my purse and chugged in the restaurant bathroom. I guess I blacked out? I woke up to an EMT giving me CPR next to a busboy mopping up a puddle of my cinnamon-scented sweat. Needless to say, the client was not pleased.
I can’t stop shitting liquie. Whenever there’s a lull in the intestinal action I jump on the scale, only to find I’m gaining weight. Like, as I’m shitting, I’m somehow gaining more and more weight.
I am scared.
As I was finishing off the last of my nog gallon for the day I heard a sudden THUD. When I went to go check out the noise, I was totally stuck. I looked down and my foot was just a swollen ball of skin. Probably the size of microwave. My best guess is that a nog dam broke and all of the fluid dropped down to my foot. It’s amazing to see your body change because of your decisions!
Um, so I just looked at the nutritional information for eggnog, and a half-cup serving is 190 calories. I’ve been drinking a gallon a day. That’s 32 servings. THAT’S 6080 CALORIES A DAY.
I’m still not quitting. It’s liquid!!!!
My foot’s doing this thing where when I walk across the floor barefoot, it leaves a milky imprint. I thought maybe I stepped in something, but when I pressed my thumb against my foot skin, eggnog starting flooding out of my pores. I’m seeping out eggnog. It’s trapped inside of me. It has nowhere to go but my feet. Hopefully it’s just water weight.
Last day. My goal was to lose ten pounds, but in a cruel twist of creamy irony, I ended up gaining 47 pounds. 47 pounds. In ten days. My dream dress doesn’t fit. My entire wardrobe doesn’t fit. I wrapped myself in the top sheet from my queen-sized bed and the ends aren’t even close to touching. I feel like Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, except instead of alcohol I tried to kill myself with eggnog. And he was super skinny.
Anyway, I guess my advice is don’t try the eggnog cleanse because it’s bullshit and you’ll get instant diabetes. Honestly, fuck the holidays.