Boy, am I beat! You other moms know how it is: sometimes when you take a family trip, you end up more tired than when you started! After going to the Alamo with my four boys and husband Ted, I felt like I needed a vacation from my vacation. So I abandoned my family forever and left for the Mexican border.
All moms face the same headaches on holiday getaways—the long car rides full of fighting, the hassle to get everyone settled at the motel, the creak of the floorboards as you slip out in the night. I felt like one of those sarcastic t-shirts at the border gift shop: “Are we having fun yet?” Ha ha!
I have not had fun since the Clinton administration.
And God forbid we try to incorporate anything educational into the itinerary! While my husband appreciated the history lesson we got from our tour guide, Jimmy, all my sons cared about was playing Snapchat on their phones. None of them even noticed when I spent twenty minutes getting detailed directions from Jimmy on how to cross the Rio Grande. It’s like, hello? Earth to family!
I assume that they were brought down to Earth when they finally had to learn how to work a fucking washing machine.
I tell ya, taking a break is hard work. When you’re a parent, you’re always on the clock, even when you’re off the clock, know what I mean? Once our boys fell asleep, I thought maybe Ted and I would have some romantic time, but wouldn’t you know it, he passed out right along with them. It’s like gee, were you TRYING to make it easy for me to cash out the rest of our traveller’s checks and pack a getaway bag? Ha ha ha ha!
I dyed my hair red and burned my passport. They call me Ro and they ask no questions. I am happy here.
A mom’s job is the hardest one there is, no doubt about it! Whether you’re making a second dinner for a picky eater, doing your one-thousandth load of laundry, or driving off into the desert night, wind in your hair and a Marlboro Red in your lips, the taste of freedom on your tongue for the first time in decades, sometimes we all need a break. In fact, sometimes we even need a break from our break! Like my Mexican friends say, la casa no descansa sobre el suelo, sino a una mujer. Ja ja ja ja ja ja ja, ja ja!
Remember: You never saw me here.