We’ve officially in the thick of ugly sweater season! It’s that time of year when you search for the gaudiest combo of tinsel, patterns, and wool in an effort to join the ironic trend. Now that corporations have figured out how to profit off your joke, it means nothing. So pay lots of money for these try-hard sweaters that say, “I’m incapable of seeing where irony ends and capitalism begins.”
Buddy the Elf Sweater ($69, Urban Outfitters)
While the quotation on this unsubtle sweater reads, “Santa! I know him!” the whole getup really says, “I simply can’t tell when a trend has been killed and sacrificed on the altar of capitalism!” By charging $69 for one of these eyesores, Urban Outfitters makes bank off your attempt to look smarter than the style you just bought into. Wear this Elf sweater to your friend’s party and feel good for rising above earnest Christmas traditions with your self-awareness. But remember, it’s only a feeling! You’re still part of the system. Whoops!
Tinsel Ball Sweater ($42, Nordstrom)
This intentionally ugly sweater adds a funny yet failed attempt at subversion to your holiday wardrobe. The irony of its garish tinsels are undercut by the fact that Nordstrom mass produces them for profit. Pair yours with plain black jeans to let your true statement shine through: That you don’t understand where substantive irony ends and irony as a marketing tool begins. Merry Christmas, pawns!
Jingle Bros Sweater ($45, Tipsy Elves)
What’s the true meaning of Christmas? When it comes to ugly sweaters, it’s all about profit, and donning this poorly stitched monstrosity lets everyone know you don’t mind being sold overpriced knick-knacks under the guise of irony. This sweater is perfect for your office soiree if you’re trying to say to your coworkers, “I haven’t consciously noted I’m being sold a facsimile of humor through a massive corporation.” Now that’s the real spirit of the season!
Silent Night Vest ($80, Rent the Runway)
This disorganized atrocity features a cluttered array of gingerbread men, mistletoe, and reindeer that positively screams, “Yuletide spirit!” Slip this sweater on proudly to tell the world you see nothing weird about expressing irony through a product purchase, even from a company with hollow values. Try on a matching set of grisly jingle bell earrings, too! This will really shoot down your empty mockery of an already empty cultural institution once and for all.
Christmas Cat Appliqué Sweater ($1,286, Gucci)
This ugly sweater literally costs over one thousand dollars. At that price, you may as well be consuming sincerely!
This Christmas enjoy your spiked eggnog, holiday parties and also your ironic nourishment of capitalism with any one of these ugly, ugly sweaters!