Everybody knows that babies are overrated. Yet an evolutionary quirk has made humans susceptible to their subjective “cuteness,” which does nothing but take attention from you. So here are some mini-pigs to share photos of or bring along at your next baby-friendly social event. You’ll redirect the misdirected spotlight back in your humble, mini-pig-filled direction:
1. In your wallet: The only thing cuter than two tiny rubber boots on a rosy-cheeked munchkin are four tiny rubber boots on a rosy-cheeked minipig! Those toddlers dressed in raincoats and galoshes will be left out in the cold once your booted mini-pig starts oinking in the rain. Stick a picture of this little guy in your wallet and dominate the next picture-showing competition.
2. At the bar: While bringing a baby to a bar or nightclub is very much a social faux pas, bringing a mini-pig to a bar is a great way to make new friends and impress existing ones. Bar-goers will hoot and holler with delight when you plop your little porcine companion onto the pool table in the middle of a game and shout, “Did somebody say pigskin?” Touchdown!
3. At the pool: It’s a well-known fact that pigs are great swimmers, especially teeny little piggies! Know who aren’t great swimmers? Babies. So instead of anxiously watching on as an infant splashes around in the shallow end, your friends will be cheering on your mini-pig as she piggy-paddles the length of an Olympic-sized pool. That’s a gold-medal performance!
4. At the rodeo: Sure, you can put a baby in a handkerchief and cowboy hat, but it’s not really that different from putting any old hat and bib on a baby. When you dress up a mini-pig, she immediately stands out from the rest of her kind. “A cowboy hat on a pig!” a crowd of admirers will exclaim. “What’s next – a spacesuit?” This baby loses. You win.
5. On the red carpet: There’s a reason young starlets get mini-pigs and not babies for attention. When a socialite has a child, your first thought is to wonder who the father is. But when a socialite gets a mini-pig and starts wearing it around like an accessory, you coo and shriek and wish – even harder than usual – that you were them. Stupid baby.
Sure, you could get attention at this party using pyrotechnics. You could say you killed someone. You could even pull off a long-form magic trick. But the easiest and most effective way to beat a newborn is with a pig that is the size of your hand. Bacon trumps baby, every time.