Hey ladies! You guessed it, it’s time for another Dude Corner: where I, a dude, gets to have his say on the dumb shit you women like to blather on about. If any dudes out there are reading right now, consider this your trigger warning, even though those are for pussies: I’m about to talk about tampons. Sick, I know. But don’t worry, cause I’m also gonna talk about energy drinks. Sick, in a different way!
So, the other day I accidentally clicked on an article said that there are movements happening across the country to provide free pads and tampons to girls in high school. Um, what the fuck? My tax dollars are going to provide what are basically adult diapers to girls just because they pee blood once a week? Seems pretty unfair to me. But I get that you do need to soak that shit up and keep it to yourself or whatever. So to level the playing field, I personally think that if women get free tampons, I should get free Red Bull.
Now before I have a swarm of rabid feminists gunning for me, hear me out! Girls can’t help getting their month blood. And leaking from their flaps every few days shouldn’t prevent them from decorating our schools and I guess also getting an education, even though it’s really gross and please for the love of god, don’t talk about what’s happening down there. But sometimes, I also have a hard time getting the education I need because I’m distracted by my craving for the harsh, metallic taste of an ice cold Red Bull. This is also a necessity!
Plus, really, me getting free Red Bull could benefit the ladies too! Sipping on a cold, taurine-filled Red Bull gives me the energy to continue respecting women, even when they piss me off by talking or reminding me that they already have a boyfriend or wanting free menstrual products. This might sound crazy, but, it fully gives me wings!
Look, if women want equality, I’m all for it. But we’re gonna have to compromise: If you guys get free stuff that you actually need because your body naturally makes you drip disgusting vag blood every few months or whatever, then I should too. My body naturally makes me have the urge to chug a battery-acid flavored carbonated beverage. There’s really no difference!
Now, can I stop talking about per*ods and get to shotgunning some Red Bulls? God!