Sorry, I Couldn’t Hear You Over the Sound of Me Owning a French Press

Ever since I decided it was time to toss my Keurig and invest in a more high end coffee experience, all my friends have fallen off my radar. We barely ever hang out, and our group chat has seriously withered. It’s becoming more and more difficult to maintain our friendships, because any time they bring an issue to me, I honestly can’t hear them over the sound of me owning a French press.


Before this, I wasn’t the confident, badass woman who I wanted to be. I’d sit in my cubicle answering emails all day. I got nervous speaking in front of my coworkers. I drank Starbucks like a peasant. Now that I steep my own coffee, when my boss asks me a question I flippantly reply, “Sorry, I didn’t hear that last bit over the sound of me being a gorgeous French woman who drinks her café from a stainless-steel-and-glass French press.”


My life has changed so much! Mainly that all my friends and coworkers are pretty mad at me for thinking I’m better than them because I’m the owner and operator of a French press.


I used to drip my coffee through a paper filter, which soaks up most of the flavor. Who knew my old coffee habits were soaking up most of my flavor. I was walking around the world totally filtered, but when I purchased my French press, I became a free woman. Now, the streets of Cleveland are a runway and I’m a model at Paris Fashion Week who only has time to grind, steep, plunge and pour.



My husband has always been there for me, even at my lowest times. It’s time to say thank you to him, but also sorry, because I can’t hear you complain anymore about our mortgage payments over the sound of me riding my bike with my French press in the basket. Wow, the world truly is saturated in color when you saturate your coffee!


To the other ladies out there feeling like you’re not the woman you want to be, I do not have time to listen to you complain! My ears don’t even work on people who drink regular coffee. I only hear tones sung by women who drink their coffee French and pressed. Sorry, and bonne nuit!