Summer is quickly fading, and you want to capitalize on your opportunities to enjoy the warm weather while it lasts. More importantly though, are your crop-topportunities—your opportunities to wear crop tops! Wear these crop tops and get ready to strut confidently out the door, midriff uncovered, then spend the rest of the day self-consciously tugging and stretching the miniscule fabric into a shirt that actually covers your whole torso.
Seersucker Crop Top (J.Crew, $69.50)
The breezy texture makes this a great choice for a backyard barbecue. Bonus: you can kind of hide behind the grill as you nervously yank on the bottom of your tiny shirt, because you must protect your bare stomach from the open flames and the gaze of other humans.
Rad Crop Tee, (Topshop, $20)
If everyone can read that you are “Rad” from your shirt, it won’t matter that you don’t actually feel that way! This empowering top is cotton-based, making it super easy to compulsively wrench into a shape that shields the most vulnerable part of your body. Why did you think this top was a good idea?
Cropped 89 Tee, (Forever 21, $9.99)
Is ‘89 the year you were born? Do you really like Taylor Swift? Is it the age at which you’re hoping to die? Your number at the deli counter? Who knows! Everyone will be so focused on trying to draw meaning from your top and “figure you out,” that they won’t even notice you crouching down every few minutes to warp the puny strip of fabric over your knees. Wearing this half-shirt was a terrible mistake.
Checkered Crop Top (Forever 21, $8.80)
The more you self-consciously stretch this itsy-bitsy top over your midsection, the more people will think you are an optical illusion or a Magic Eye! Maybe you can hypnotize yourself into remembering that you feel terrible every time you wear a crop top. WHY DO YOU FORGET THIS EVERY YEAR?
All of these adorably teeny crop tops will show everyone how fierce and body positive you are…for about an hour, before you anxiously tug and stretch them into loose, misshapen, and comfortable shrouds. Lesson learned!