I Use Dating Apps, But Only to Find People to Burp Me When I Drink Milk Too Fast

It seems like every single person nowadays is using dating apps, but I’ve always been reluctant to try them, that is, until I felt a lot of gas building up inside my stomach one day after drinking a big ol’ glass o’ milk! Here’s why I now use dating apps to locate people who can burp me after I drink milk way too fast.


I’ve always been pretty independent. I didn’t use to date very much at all, let alone use dating apps. I figured that I could do just about everything in my life by myself, but boy, was I wrong.


After drinking some milk way too fast at home, I tried everything to get that annoying milk burp out of me, but nothing was working. I even tried giving myself the Heimlich on a chair in my kitchen to no avail, probably because that’s for choking and not getting a burp out. Anyway, after hours of trying to get that gas released, I was at the end of my rope, and I realized that I actually do need help from others sometimes.


I downloaded Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge in an instant, and I set my demographics as wide as they could go. I didn’t care who burped me – I just needed to burp, and I needed it now.


Before I knew it, I was chatting with this guy named Tom on Tinder. I suggested that we meet up ASAP, and he luckily agreed, but when he came over to my house he seemed severely mistaken about what this arrangement was all about. After he came in, he leaned in to kiss me, and I had to let him know that this was a burping date, and a burping date only.


Tom happily agreed to burp me like a newborn baby, and I was thrilled! He held me in his arms, put my head over his shoulder, and patted my back a couple times, and lo and behold, I finally burped!


Unfortunately, after the “date” was over, I didn’t hear back from Tom. That’s why whenever I want to be burped, I go onto every dating app I have to find someone new to burp me! It’s hard work, but it’s definitely worth it.



Maybe someday one of my encounters with random people from dating apps will evolve into a loving relationship, but until then, I’m perfectly happy with someone successfully burping me after I drink milk way too fast. I love being single and ready to mingle! And also drinking lots of milk!