He texted you at midnight with just a question mark—so this shit’s on. Now you’re over at his place about to get it on with a grown adult who sleeps on an air mattress in a one-bedroom apartment that he shares with another dude. While your hopes of this becoming a lasting romance might be deflating, here’s how to make sure his mattress doesn’t.
The Fellatio Inflation
While you wait for his air mattress to blow up, blow his mind with a blowjob. It’ll take a while for the mattress to fully inflate, so fellate him—because it’s better than making small talk over that annoying machine inflation noise. You two have literally nothing in common. You have a solid career and a real bed with a mattress, box spring, frame, sheets, pillows—everything. He has this air mattress that wasn’t even inflated when you got there and will surely deflate if you do any kind of penetrative sex on it.
The My-Life-Is-In-A-Downward-Spiral Dog
Awkwardly have him enter you from behind with your face pressed into his un-sturdy sleep surface as you wonder why you’re doing this. While he fumbles around in the dark, try ignoring the fact that your best friend has a three-year-old child; yet, you’re still having sex on something that is worse than a futon. By using just the edge of the mattress, you won’t entirely deflate it, leaving you with a little bit of air in that thing in case you make the secondary error of falling asleep here. Remember: This is technically his living room, and his roommate works early.
The Princess and the Plebeian
He’s not catering to your needs at all, so try to put your breasts in his face in an attempt to hint that they need attention. The great thing about this position is that it arches your back and makes you look sexier, which he won’t notice because this mattress has a leak and you two can’t get enough leverage to make any of this work and now you’ve had to move off of it and back onto the couch.
The Gentle Corkscrew
Lower yourself onto his penis, just like the way you’ve lowered your standards and expectations when it comes to dating. Because of the deflating mattress beneath you, you’re not going to be able to hit it hard enough to achieve any real stimulation, so make an effort to enjoy his hot breath blowing in your ear while you try not to remind yourself that the last three men you’ve been able to call a boyfriend are now married.
The Penny Pincher
Try not to feel like you’re having a degrading experience as you squeeze your thighs together, making the manchild feel fuller inside you. Let him go through the motions at mouse-like speed, as any real enjoyment of this activity might pop a hole in the temporary furniture he’s chosen to make permanent.
The “Your Place or Mine?”
Straddle him as you let him enter you while he’s sitting in your apartment on your fully formed, adult bed. Since you’re on top in a furnished, adult apartment, his mattress won’t deflate at all. Or rather, it will deflate—by itself, in his home, all the way out in Bushwick, where it won’t affect you one bit.
To maximize your orgasm, try sleeping with someone else instead. Maybe someone who owns a pair of dress shoes? Just a thought. Have fun!