How To Meet Your Husband, Phil

So you’re ready to settle down but you have one teensy tiny problem: you haven’t met the man of your dreams—yet! Worry no more, because the man for you is out there, and his name is Phil Donner. If you’re ready to take matters into your own hands, here are a few surefire ways to make sure you meet the man you will one day call your husband, who is Phil.


Keep an Open Mind

You might be surprised by what personality traits you find attractive—they might not be what you expect! Go with your instincts, not with a premeditated idea of who you’ll end up with. Because no matter what, it will be a guy named Phil, who’s actually a pretty good cook.



Enjoy Being Single

Nothing is more important than your independence. It might seem bizarre to focus on being single in order to meet Phil, but in the time before you two lovebirds get to know each other, you have to get to know yourself. Enjoy your hobbies. Spend time with the fam. Go on that trip to South America. Remember: You won’t always be single, but you will be married to Phil for 43 years—and the metal plate in his hip from a childhood injury makes airport security a nightmare.


Be Yourself

There’s no need for you to be anyone other than you. Don’t change yourself; own yourself. You know what they say: You have to love yourself before Phil can love you. Seriously: Phil’s mother was extremely self-assured and it has molded his views on what is attractive in a woman, so you’d better get comfortable in your own skin!


Put Yourself Out There

You’re never going to meet Phil if you’re at home binge-watching Orange Is The New Black! You’re going to meet him at that coffee shop downtown, the one that will have completed construction tomorrow. So take off the sweatpants, slap on some lip stain, grab your reusable thermos mug, and go meet the man you will marry. Phil. He’ll be wearing a baby blue J. Crew button-down over by the newspapers.



Don’t Rush

You can’t rush love! There’s no need to try and hurry things along; you’ll only make yourself anxious. So take it easy! You’ll meet Phil when you meet Phil—on July 20th, 2018.


If you remember to follow these simple steps, you and Phil will be going on your first date in no time to a 7:30 PM showing of Star Trek 5. Also, remember to sit in the back row on the left side because those high school kids will not shut up about the new Apple iHat. Good luck!