A lady’s spank bank is a selective place. But this guy made the cut—a real live human person—so he deserves to know about it. What better way to let him know you’re down to fool around with his abnormally amazing anatomy? Here are the best ways to drop the hint:
Accidentally Drop a Crumpled Printout of his Profile Pic Photoshopped onto a Shirtless Man
Nothing says “charming” like clumsily dropping things and nothing says, “I masturbated to you” like a stained picture of his head on another man’s body. Let the photo fall out of your journal or bra, and gasp like a shamed Victorian woman, letting it lie there for long enough for him to process the whole thing.
Pop out of a Cake
It’s very sexy and exciting to receive a cake with someone that wants to bang you inside. Have yourself delivered to him in an empty room. When you pop out and there is radio silence because he is so confused, scream “CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE A PART OF MY FANTASY, NOW I CAN BE A PART OF YOURS!”
Leave a Trail of Little Notes
Place the first of a series of notes somewhere where he can find it. Make it a cute, simple clue. Like,
“Your next clue
Is in a box,
Find it quick.
You rock my box.”
This scavenger hunt is an efficient way to drop the clues that lead him directly to your vagina, where he has already unknowingly worked his magic.
Tell Him With Your Words
In a super casual way, ask him what he masturbates to, and when he gets all uncomfortable trying to answer the question, be like “I masturbate to YOUUUUUUUU! Your body and your butt!” If he doesn’t get the hint, start singing “You’re My Inspiration” by Chicago until he understands and is thrilled to be bestowed with such an honor.
Send Him a Special Code to Crack
Facebook message him a little bird emoji. Because birds like cages; chickens are cage-free; chickens like to gobble; hummingbirds like to buzz; buzz like your vibrator. He’ll think you’re so witty for coming up with it that he’ll definitely want to take this one-way relationship down the two-way street! And if he doesn’t get the emoji connection, you can always text him a pic of you masturbating to really seal the deal.
Just Rub Your Body on Him
The best way to use a man to masturbate to is to simply use him to masturbate. Wait, that might be a bad idea. Never mind. Don’t do that. Just do it in your head, and maybe try to find a way to bring it up to him later.
So next time you need to honor a man, try these techniques to make it clear that he is one of a kind. Or one of a few. There’s a lot of people you masturbate to, but he’s one of a large group that’s mostly celebrities and fantasy versions of your substitute teacher. He is truly blessed!