In spite of being a clean, sensible person, Kristen Schultz decided that she’d like to plan a camping trip for her and her closest friends this past weekend.
This development flies in the face of Schultz’s known reputation for enjoying the modern luxuries of cleanliness, comfort, dry socks, and having a room specifically designed for hygienic bowel movements.
“I just want to be out in nature,” shares Schultz. “How many Brita filters do you think I should pack?”
While her usual routine involves showering daily and sleeping in a comfortable bed, Schultz has encouraged friends to bring bathing suits so they can “bathe” with her in a green sludgy lake.
“I really don’t want to camp, because I know what camping is,” explains Schultz’s childhood friend, Annie Wong. “I think Kristen just needs a new therapist”.
“Honestly I think she’s just panicking about turning 30,” says best friend Christine Huetteman.
“I’m not crazy, I’m earthy,” says Schultz, feebly as she packed up her gear. “People are trying to scare me by telling me there’s a lot of frogs by the lake but I know that’s a joke… right?”
Schultz says she hopes that her natural easygoing nature will remain in the face of everything that a camping trip provides: the muggy but cold nights, the humid, mosquito-saturated days, panicked and constant tick checks, bear-related paranoia, paper towel tampons, food that tastes like paper, and a crippling Giardia infection! Happy trails, Kristen!