So you’ve been taken hostage. Don’t worry, it can happes to anyone! To help you escape, we’ve broken down how you and your kidnapper’s signs will impact your negotiation with each other. Let the stars be your guide!
If Your Kidnapper is a FIRE SIGN (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius)
Passionate, spontaneous fire sign hostage-takers want to have it all: a human bargaining chip, safe passage to a country with no extradition laws and a briefcase full of soccer balls, because, of course, fire signs love sports. Their negative traits? Fire sign hostage-takers frequently need to tone down their demands. So if you’re an earth sign hostage, you two might be at odds. You’re all about “groundedness” and the fire sign kidnapper gives zero fucks about that. His off-the-cuff demands can embarrass you, especially when he insists that the mayor pay for his Costco membership so he can buy those giant corn muffins he loves so much, because, “they’re like corn soccer balls for your mouth.” Yikes! Your signs couldn’t be any more incompatible.
Our advice: Fire sign hostage-takers hate inactivity more than anything, so don’t try to escape at all. He’ll become so disinterested in you that you’ll be released in no time!
If Your Kidnapper is an EARTH SIGN (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn)
Dependable, responsible earth sign kidnappers take their demands very seriously. They expect the best from any hostage negotiator, from caviar dip to diamond wristwatches engraved with the words, “I’m a grounded person.”
Sometimes they get carried away with their luxury stipulations, which can clash with any sign’s simple desire to no longer be kidnapped. But you’ll be most unsuited for each other as a fire sign hostage! The earth sign kidnapper cares about comfort—tying you to a chaise lounge with knitted afghans, for example—while you feel trapped by it. As a fire sign hostage, imprisonment simply isn’t your thing, though you appreciate being seated.
Our advice: Earth sign kidnappers are turned off by anything poor. Tell him that your parents only make $12,000 a year combined and he’ll be disgusted enough to set you free.
If Your Kidnapper is an AIR SIGN (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius)
Wait…who’s the kidnapper and who’s the kidnapee? Playful, talkative air sign hostage-takers are the fun felons who have the coolest demands, like one million dollars cash and an Eminem CD, or one million dollars cash and a glass of white wine. Social butterflies, you may fight to get a word in edgewise as the air sign hostage-taker chats freely with the SWAT team on her hamburger-shaped burner phone. This can feel frustrating for water signs. You take your kidnapping situation seriously while she keeps offering everyone sorbet like this is some kind of garden party and not a federal crime scene.
Our advice: Air signs kidnappers are turned off by bad conversation. Ask her repeatedly what she thinks of the weather and you’ll actually bore her to the point of being released.
If Your Kidnapper is a WATER SIGN (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces)
Hello, Mother Superior! The nurturing, caretaking water sign kidnapper cares about your needs as a kidnapee. She senses your fear at being taken hostage and rushes in with your favorite snack, ‘A Touch of Sea Salt’ dark chocolate, before the first tear rolls down your face. Her innate understanding of emotions makes her empathetic to your hatred of being kidnapped. However—romantic to a fault—the water sign kidnapper just can’t let you go until everyone on the police force agrees to write her a love letter on scented notepaper. Air sign hostages, be careful not to take your water sign hostage-taker’s kindness for granted! Thank her whenever she brings you a Kleenex instead of trying to slap her hand away.
Our advice: Water sign hostage-takers love feeling connected to their hostages. Open up to her, let her support you, and you can both escape together.
No matter where you are in your hostage situation, your kidnapper should make SO much more sense after reading this. Good luck with your negotiation!