Selfish Asshole Actually Kind of Sweet When Getting Road Head On The Reg

Though he’s typically known for being an unusually selfish asshole, 30-year-old Lucas Clark can actually be kind of sweet when getting road head from his girlfriend on the regular.


“He’s usually sort of a piece of shit,” says Clark’s girlfriend, Stephanie Kowalski. “We’ve been together for almost two years and he still pulls that, “I left my wallet at home. Can you spot me?” shit on our dates. But whenever I’m just about to give up on him, he surprises me with how sweet he can be when I’m regularly sucking him off to climax while he barrels down the highway at 70 miles per hour.”


Clark’s friends usually know him as an all-around dickbag who’s forgotten to call his mom on her birthday every year for the last five years, although he can occasionally shock them with his generosity after he’s received continuous road head from his girlfriend for at least the week prior. More than just a burly garbage sack filled with litter, Clark can show a surprising amount of kindness to his girlfriend – heating her a microwave dinner, or opening the car door for her – although not until Kowalski has gone to town deep-throating his throbbing cock like there’s no tomorrow as he runs a red light.



“Yeah, normally I think of women as being super needy, but there’s something about Stephanie that’s really different from other girls when she’s giving me road head,” says Clark.


The couple met two years ago at a Save the Children benefit. Kowalski had been doing the marketing campaign, and Clark was there having crashed the benefit, believing it to be an 18+ nightclub. Clark caught Kowalski’s eyes in between the first toast and the point in the night when he stood up on stage, double-fisting champagne bottles and screaming, “This is for the girls who’ll never know a good time!”


“Sure, it was sort of a douchey thing to do, but I also saw such a capacity for empathy in him,” Kowalski recalls, tearing up a little. “That empathetic part of him really came out later in the night after I ate his dick like a corn on the cob while he did donuts in the parking lot.”


“I don’t know what I’d do without Stephanie,” says Clark, beaming at Kowalski. “I really can’t afford one of those high-end lip-mouth machines that hum and shit.”


“It seems like Lucas has really changed since he started dating Stephanie,” says Robert Hendricks, a longtime friend of Clark’s. “He finally paid me back the $400 he’s owed me for the last 12 years. I guess a man really can change, with years of hard work, constructive criticism, and a twice-daily, mind-blowing BJ from a hot ex-Lakers cheerleader.”


When pressed for her secret, Kowalski simply states that it’s a lot of love, kindness and a willingness to get arrested for sexual misconduct.