5 Juice Cleanses Guaranteed to Give You Diarrhea Breath

With the upcoming swimsuit, wedding, and rainy seasons approaching, you need a quick fix to for your thick hips. If you’re serious about losing weight and the fresh scent of clean breath, check out these highly effective juice cleanses:

1. Celery and Trash Water
This cleanse is guaranteed to burn fat and the nasal cavities of your loved ones. While the sinewy celery strands slowly rot in between your teeth, the trash water creates a sludge barrier in your stomach lining, curbing any cravings for a late night snack.


2. Leftover Jar of Martini Olives
While your girlfriends pound lemon drops and jaeger bombs, you’ll be carrying your own jar of Spanish olives from 2007. Turn it into a flirty game! Wiggle on over to the nearest Junior Executive and whisper in his ear as you ask him to guess what you had for lunch. You’ll look HOT so it won’t matter what you actually say.


3. Moldy Strawberries and Curdled Cream
A spin on the traditional Wimbledon snack! You’ll look as sleek as Monica Seles, and people will be able to smell you from several tennis courts away.



4. Doritos and Grapefruit
Doritos…on a diet? That’s right, ladies! When consumed with grapefruit, the cheese dust reacts with the citrus fruit to create intense stomach ulcers that prevent you from letting yourself get full. You know it’s really kicking in when you start gurgling up blood (the blood will actually smell worse than normal blood).


5. Soggy Kale and Nail Polish Remover
Hardcore juicers know looking hot is the best accessory for any occasion – especially your funeral. The kale acts as a mild bowel releaser while the nail polish remover destroys any nutrients left sticking to the walls of your intestines. NOBODY will go within ten feet of that smokin’ body of yours.


Remember, the cleanse isn’t doing it’s job unless you smell terrible at both ends!