Study Suggests Female Employees Who Are Paid Fairly Spend Less Company Time Online Selling Panties

According to a groundbreaking new study, female employees who are paid fairly may waste time browsing the Internet at work—but, they definitely aren’t selling their panties to make rent.


This research offers valuable insight into how companies may be hurting their bottom line when underpaid women workers feel forced to sell their own second-hand thongs while on the clock.


“Even though I was working full time as an executive assistant, I was struggling to make ends meet,” says one study participant. “When I couldn’t make rent for the second month in a row, I knew it was time to start selling my dirty underwear to creeps online for a profit.”



The overwhelming majority of women surveyed indicated that workplace politics factored heavily into their decision to sling worn lingerie online.


“At our office holiday party last year, my coworker Adam was gloating about how he was going to buy an XBox with his bonus. I didn’t get a bonus at all, and I work twice as hard as him,” says another participant in the study who operates online under the name ChubRub747. “In fact, I know I can spend three, four hours a day chatting with potential clients on an obscure fetish message board and still meet my regular work deadlines more often than Adam. He’s an idiot.”


The study also delves into the inequalities women of color face in the workplace.


“The other day, my white coworker casually mentioned that she has to sell 30 pairs of underwear in a month to take home as much as our male colleagues,” one study participant notes. “But I know I have to sell over twice that many while I’m at work just to earn the men’s salary. Also we shouldn’t have to sell our underpants online in the first place. What the hell? Just pay us more.”


Since the study’s publication, some corporate leaders have stepped up to offer insight into how companies can prevent such drain on time and resources.


“Though we can’t really stop female employees from selling their undergarments online, we do have a strict no-phone policy in the bathrooms,” says CEO Jason Penner. “That way, we ensure our they are not taking promotional photos for their side hustle while on the clock. I personally know for a fact that panty fetishists need visual proof of wear.”


When asked if they would be willing to pay female employees more in order to discourage panty-selling on the company dime, the vast majority of businesses surveyed said, “Absolutely not.”