Many women show up to their Sunday afternoon apple picking friend-date with their tote bags empty, their hearts full of friendship, and their guard completely down. Don’t make that mistake. If you thought apple picking was a low-key activity created for you to bond with your friends, you were wrong. Next time you’re heading upstate for some “fun,” use these tips to prove to your frenemies that you’re a crisp, shiny Gala and they’re a mealy, worm-filled Red Delicious.
Shame Lisa through casual, apple-related insults.
Nothing solidifies your authority on wholesome fall fun more than creative and seasonal insults that you can lob at your friends. Before Lisa sneaks away to the bathroom with a tampon pressed into her palm, make sure you shout out, “Looks like Lisa is getting a visit from the Pink Lady!” She’ll be taken down a peg by being reminded of her shameful womanly curse, and you’ll show her you know way more about apple varieties than she ever will.
Purchase a few dogs to make Samantha feel like shit.
We all know that Samantha will be bringing her cockapoo on this apple-picking trip, which means that all eyes will be on her and Mimsy. Fight back by buying a few puppies (like three to five?) and bring the attention back to where it belongs. Your long work hours and inability to love shows you’re not ready to own a dog; but if you want to win at apple picking, you’ve really got to commit. If one of your pooches starts to snack on a fallen apple, make sure you grab it out of its mouth and say, “No no no, we don’t eat anything that’s not organic!” while staring pointedly at Samantha.
Overpower Karen with your most aggressive plaid outfit.
Establish your fall dominance through assertively seasonal outfit choices! Make sure to include at least three forms of plaid somewhere on your body. It’s called “power clashing” for a reason and your cacophony of plaid will draw all eyes to you instead of Karen, with her annoying subtle beauty and infuriating neutral fabrics.
Use strategic photos to make Julia look incompetent.
We all know guys can’t resist a girl who can flawlessly pick fruit off a tree. Look out for opportunities to make Julia look like an idiot on Instagram—when she has cinnamon sugar all over her coat from scarfing down an apple cider donut, or when she’s stupidly jumping to reach for apples higher up on the tree—and post them right away. Keep your captions acerbic, but sweet: “Julez can’t do anything right!!! Love her.” Follow these up with a carefully styled photo of you sexily biting into a shiny red apple with the perfect leaf falling right behind you. You’ll be the apple of his eye in no time.
Follow up with threatening texts throughout the week.
The competition doesn’t have to end when your friends drop you off at home with a satchel of apples that you don’t even want! Distinguish yourself from all of your basic friends who simply bake their apples into crisps and pies. Instead, carve unattractive caricatures of each of your friends into the flesh of your Granny Smiths, take photos and send them along to your apple picking buddies, along with the caption, “How do you like them apples???”
Your gal pals will know that you came out on top, so you can finally relax and celebrate another successful weekend by swigging an alcoholic cider, tossing 14 pounds of apples into the trash, and researching how to safely get rid of puppies.