Let me just start by saying I am SO SORRY I haven’t answered any texts in the past six months. All of your messages really mean a lot to me, but there are a few logistical issues that are getting in the way – namely, my oversized novelty iPhone case, which is hilarious but renders my phone completely unusable for most complex tasks, like responding to your text.
So I just want to say thank you for your patience, and that this novelty phone case is still totally fucking worth it.
The case, which is a giant hand gesturing the shape of a phone, has made taking phone calls a hilarious and fun experience, especially in public. Even though nobody really calls me except for telemarketers and my mother, bystanders on the street have gotten such a thrill from my irreverent and impractical phone case, which prevented me from responding to your text about your mother being in the hospital three months ago.
By the way, I’m so sorry about your mother! She was a wonderful woman.
And I also want to apologize for not simply saying “ok” to various questions throughout this special time in my life, such as “Are you coming today?”, “Where have you been?” and “Help”, since the unusual shape of the hand forces me to type with only one finger, and even that can be quite a challenge! I’ve kind of just given up on using my phone for anything that doesn’t require putting the phone directly to my ear, so maybe try giving me a call next time? In fact, DEFINITELY try giving me a call next time, because this phone case is a motherfucking HOOT to pull out of my purse!!
Honestly, you should come over and see it! Just don’t text me about making specific plans or firm locations because I will definitely not respond. It just sucks that I never get to see you any more!
So again, just wanted to say, “Oops, my bad,” for making this very deliberate decision to render this $700 iPhone Plus completely unusable, but I hope you’ll understand why now that you’ve seen this hilarious oversized case which honestly could have just been a standalone prop, but isn’t it so much funnier this way?