Why I Texted Wrong Numbers Until I Actually Got Jake Gyllenhaal

My dream guy has always been Jake Gyllenhaal, but meeting him felt like an insane pipe dream, until I realized one key fact: celebrities don’t get special phone numbers. They have ten-digit codes just like us! I could get his phone number just by using science’s favorite method: trial and error. It was settled. I was going to text every possible number combination until I finally hit Jake’s.


I had my work cut out for me, but I once did the Whole 30 for a full thirty-one days, so I am up for a challenge. That night I curled up on the couch and started texting each possible number combination starting at (222) 211-1111, (222) 211-1112, and so on. I didn’t totally think through the mechanics of this endeavor, but love makes you do crazy things! I learned that from the 2010 smash hit Love and Other Drugs starring the one and only Jake Gyllenhaal.


I sent each number a text that said, “Omg so fun meeting you last night at that bar. This is Jake Gyllenhaal right?” The first few responses seemed promising. I got a lot of guys who said they were Jake. I couldn’t believe it! But then they were all like, “Send nudes!” UGH! Jake would never ask for nudes. No way! Not my sweet, sweet boy from films such as Source Code and Prince of Persia: Sands Of Time!


Then I had an epiphany! I realized I probably needed to just focus on the NYC and LA area codes, because that’s where he lives. A-duh! That revelation cut my work down significantly. And thank god, because I had a major murder trial coming up and it totally looked like my client did it.


Each night I texted nearly 10,000 numbers which seems like a lot, but I am very good at texting. And wow, there are so many weirdos in this world! And soooo many different penis shapes! I had no idea!



Then it finally happened: I received a text back that said “Oh hey, Rosario! Nice meeting you last night.” I knew right away that it was Jake. He must have assumed I was Rosario Dawson! I had no idea what to say back! So I said, “Oh hey no. I’m Rosario’s friend. But would be down to get coffee sometime if you’re free!” And then the three little dots kept appearing and but he didn’t hit send and he still hasn’t! It’s cool that he’s so thoughtful about his replies.


The lesson here is that if you want something in life, all you have to do is put in the work. After texting three million phone numbers, I finally heard from the man of my dreams. Ok, off to the courthouse I go! I’m being disbarred.