How to Place Emotional Intimacy on Him When He Places Physical Intimacy on You

Without emotional intimacy, kissing inevitably lead to casual sex, and casual sex inevitably leads to you turning 30 without a ring on your finger. Just because he sees you as an empty sex thing doesn’t mean you can’t see him as a life-size groom cake topper. Here’s how to approximate the intimacy of a long-term relationship in a short-term hookup:


Let him know your feelings—all your feelings.

Intimacy allows us to “see into” another person, so let him “see into” your heart when he tries to “see into” your pants. Every tiny thought that runs through your mind is completely appropriate to say, no matter how small (“It’s weird that your action figures are looking at me. It’s like they’re happy for us!”) and no matter how big (“My last boyfriend broke up with me by moving out of state and never calling me again, but I still love him. Can I have some water?”)


Share your issues.

Help him connect to your body and your mind by letting him know the insecurities you have regarding each body part that he touches. When he passionately caresses your butt, gently share that in middle school it was so flat your friends used to call you “boy butt”. He’ll see that you’re more than just a piece of meat— you’re piecees of meat and you have feelings about those pieces.


Reveal personal details, like your name for the third time.

We all yearn for that deep connection with someone, even if that someone is a guy you just met at Todd’s party. Sharing intimate details about yourself, like your last name, will help create that deep connection and make him feel like you go way back or at least like he could find you on Facebook if he was willing to make any effort at all. While you’re at it, also share your first name too, because he’s probably forgotten it already.



Match him at every step.

Growth happens when we interact with our partner on an even playing field. Match what he’s doing with his body with your feelings. For example, if he takes out his physical penis, take out the emotional equivalent of a penis and let him know the first guy you slept with turned out to be gay. This will likely prompt a verbal conversation and a lost erection. Success! You’ve humanized yourself to him the same way hostage crisis mediators humanize themselves to terrorists. Squee!


Pressure him.

It takes time to establish a deep spiritual connection with another soul, but you only have tonight. If you want him to open his heart to you while you’re opening your legs to him, push him with your thoughts just as much as he’s pushing you with his dick. We all have our crosses to bear, and his is you talking during sex because he didn’t bother to ask you about yourself beforehand. Once things have gotten really hot and heavy, make sure you mention that you aren’t getting any younger and that you have a family history of fertility problems.


If all else fails, start crying.

Think back to a time when the two of you were at your emotional peak—that is, back at Todd’s party. Kinda makes you wanna cry, right? It’s worth a shot. It looks like he might already losing interest in you, so whip this shit out before he has a chance to put his Dockers back on. Make it clear that you’ll squeeze at least six months of a mediocre relationship out of him if it kills you!


The best way to counteract becoming his cum dumpster is to make him your emotional toilet. This is how dating works and that’s just fine!