BREAKING: Jake Is Gonna Be There

Sources have confirmed that, despite prior claims, Jake is indeed gonna be there tonight. Yes, there. Previous reports had concluded that Jake was unlikely to attend as he has been under a lot of pressure to get his shit together lately, but sources have confirmed that he is totally on his way. Further, it is expected that Marla still has mono, so this could be your chance. Multiple sources confirm that you should go for it.


Jake had implied he was not interested in coming as of yesterday, a position he upheld during a conversation with Jessa at Dan’s barbecue where Jake was quoted saying that he “didn’t think anyone cool was going to be there, anyway.” No word yet on if he even knows you exist. It was recently confirmed that yes, you should straighten your bangs regardless.


Further, it is expected that Brian H.—who can’t drink because of his antibiotics—has offered to drive Dan. Brian H. went on the record saying that Jake just needs to blow off steam because “he’s got a lot of work next week and he just needs to not think about it.” Whatever the reason for Jake’s decision to totally come, it is expected more will be known in the coming hour so hurry up and shave your legs.



The news that Jake is on his way does not come as a surprise to everyone. Brenda Echevery said she was not surprised, but is reportedly pissed that he would “show his face after what he did,” a sentiment she also expressed toward Joseph, Markham, Lincoln, Tyler, Eric, Erik, Gordo, Frankie, Toby, and Ahmed—all of whom are also purported to be totally coming. Jake has made no comment on the subject, but it’s probably because he hates drama.


Whatever the reason for Jake’s change of heart, the news has certainly turned the events of the evening from a chill hang sesh at Amy’s parents’ cabin into the opportunity to snag the man of one’s dreams. Historical results suggest you pull your good denim skirt out, layer on that sheer pink gloss, and hope that your very sweet but totally platonic friend Mark doesn’t tag along and ruin this for you.