It’s gettin’ cold outside, and committed inside! Committed like a relationship, not like a crazy person – no one said crazy! If you’re single this winter, there’s no reason to go out and find a physical warm-blooded human when you have a house full of cleaning products and kitchen appliances to get old and die with! Humans are scary, while inanimate objects are mild-mannered and approachable, even when you’re having a manic episode. Here are 6 household objects to satisfy that pesky innate need for coupling up with another:
1. Bottle of Windex
This curvy blue vixen is bubbly and a real spitfire! Especially if you forget to lock the sprayer. Sure you have your differences. You’re a slob and Winnie’s a clean freak, but opposites attract! When squeezed tightly enough, it’s almost like you’re planning a future together.
2. Vintage Tiffany Lamp
Handsome, check. Classy, check. Embedded with jeweled peacocks and depression era children, CHECK! Your mother approves, and it was grandmother’s dying wish that you be together! You got your boyfriend in a will, what a great story for the grandkids. Plus, you can confide in him about all the things you think are wrong with your therapist.
3. Curio Cabinet
What would you do without this manly brute? Even though he just holds your dishes, sometimes when you lift the top shelving unit and stick your fingers in the gap, it’s kind of like you’re holding hands and hurts just the right amount.
4. Box of Baking Soda
You can’t resist his musty scent. It’s so unique, yet so reminiscent of all the stolen deli condiments and wine coolers currently in your refrigerator. Sometimes you two have playful food fights. He finds your sleep eating charming and thinks you look best naked with mascara and red lipstick running down your face.
5. Water Heater
There’s no need to steal the covers when you share a bed with this hot head! If you spoon hard enough, you might get burned but it won’t hurt nearly as much as the fiery passions of human relationships.
6. Plugged in Blender
The whirring of your plugged in blender can easily sound like an argument with a living man. On his salary, he says he could only take care of two kids, but you want six! You can’t stay mad for long, you two were MADE for each other! He just gets you.
Household objects are great for cuddling and for whispering your thoughts to without judgment. So squeeze one close and feel the sense of companionship you truly crave.